Sunday, November 1, 2015

Life is Complicated

GenCon was 4 months ago, my god it seems so much further away.  I went to several fun seminars this time, learned a lot.  GenCon is not what this post is about though, I am sad to say.

On August 1st my brother, my baby brother took his life.  It was on day 3 of GenCon.  He would do this in the middle of my much needed and deserved vacation.  Everything has been in a tailspin since then.  You never know how you will handle a true crisis until you are on a plane, 2 days after your vacation and you don't return home until it is almost your birthday.


This is my brother and his kids.


We had a contentious relationship.  Some how we both ended up resenting the other.  We did how ever share many of the same interests.  He was the first person I ever played Magic the Gathering with, once and it ended with me calling him a dork.  If you were to look at our music collections and movie choices you would see that we also shared those tastes as well.  He was bull headed and stubborn.  He was by far the more social of the two of us.  He was always more satisfied when he was surrounded by the ones he loved.  I am his sister, the aunt to his 3 beautiful children and I was his off and on friend.

No one expects suicide, it is a joke the punch line so often in our society.  I know I used to make them too.  Now I cringe every time some one makes one.  There are no answers, no easy way out and ultimately this was the most selfish act.  He is my brother and I love him, even when I locked him out of the house.  We could tease each other but heaven help the outsider who did it.  Both of us used words as weapons.

So now what, its been 4 months.  I spent a month of that in Texas, taking care of things supporting my mom, fighting the battles that I should not have been forced to fight.  Every time I defended his life choices, I was defending my own.  It his hard explaining a person who lived life left of center, I hide mine better then he did, and I live thousands of miles from my gossiping family.  Fuck those judgmental assholes who can't see past a fucking fictional book written in the bronze age.  A book that allows slavery, condones rape (as long the rapist marries his victim and gives the family gold) and one that teaches you to be afraid.

I haven't dealt with a lot of things.  I hide, bury my emotions often in working out.  I tried to get back on my feet a month ago, working out and eating right but I don't think I was ready.  Life is not supposed to be like this, I am not supposed to be standing here looking at a family destroyed.  I will move on, survive.  I will stand up again and I will face the haunting details that bind myself to my brother.

It is a well known fact that life is complicated.  I have not written in a very long time, at least not here.  You can catch up on some of my doings by going to the Facebook page I run with my friends called The Downsizing Dorks.  I have not been in hiding, well not entirely.

This blog has always served as my safe space, the place where I can say what I need to.  It is like and empty room where I can monologue until I am spent, all my words and thoughts purged.  There is no privacy but there is silence.

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Happy Healthy Tuesday

Well it is a new month and boy do I have news and information about my life.  It seems that it has become easiest for me to blog on the days I am at clinic.  That is probably because I am sitting a lot with my own computer and I have a bit more freedom.  What I am going to do is try and write several and have them scheduled to post, that way I can go back to doing the “When Bad Diets Happen” and other such blog topics that are far more interesting than just hearing about my life.

I am here to talk about my successes since my last blog post, the most amazing and my personal favorite is the fact that I have quit smoking!!!  It has been 29 days and I have saved $110.87 so far.  In this same vein I should give a huge shout out to my boyfriend who put up with me through the horrible days of withdrawals.  I really am proud of this fact and I did it cold turkey.  I also wannna give a big shout out to my friends who are all trying to quit with me.

I think I have lost another 6 pounds since my last blog post so I have that going for me, which is nice.  I have been going to the gym at least 5 days a week with at least one day being a weekend where I do a full hour or more of cardio.  Before you think I am one of those all cardio girls, we have finished all of our first 30 day challenge and have moved on to a new set.  This month we are doing lunges, wall sits, push ups and bicycle crunches.  We are really enjoying the constant and progressive counts and it makes us get really strong. 

Its been a really good 3 weeks (or so) I am not sure there is much else to report, you know where to find me if you want!

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Another Day, More Work Drama

Is the universe trying to tell me something?  Dan Savage often says that if the same things keep happening in your relationships, you are the problem but I really don’t think I am the issue this time.  Here is what is going on, first I have co-workers who have either one foot or in some cases two feet out the door and second of all I feel like I am never doing the right thing.  I feel less like I have a job role and more like I am an overpaid intern.  It pisses me off that I really am starting to feel micromanaged by someone who loses their keys on a daily basis.  If I were brand new I could understand some one standing over me watching everything I do and telling me which emails or calls I should answer, but I have been here over a year AND this is not my first time doing the admin work for camp.  Since no one is happy in my office it feels oppressive and if everyone is leaving should I waited it out or try and find yet another job?  I really don’t think that in this case I am the problem, I also don’t think I was the problem at the moving company when the owner cheated on his wife and I don’t think I was the problem when the Pacific Sands told me one week that they were going to hire me (from a year of temping) and then the next week let me go.  Or maybe all of that was my fault.

In more important news I have lost a total of 7 pounds in the last 2 weeks.  I have been hitting the gym regularly and I am eating under my calories every day.  My clothes feel better and I have more energy.  I have also found that all the regular exercise is making me sleep better.  Who could have known that I would feel better if I got healthier?  I am all sorts of excited and ready to take on the world.  We are half way through our 30 day challenges and I am trying to figure out what our next ones should be, any thoughts?

In geeky news, we are all set to go to GenCon this year!  I am ready to go back to the best 4 days in gaming!  We will have our usual crew with us plus the addition of a new person and for a first time we will have another girl in our room, as much as any of us are really girls that week.  Unless our boobs are D20’s no one will notice us.   Well I suppose we could go in some insane cosplay but I am not that much for cosplay that is not really comfortable.  So no heels, or skirts…I guess I could be Lara Croft or as the internet would know me as, Fat Lara Croft.  That being said, I might make a mean Daria at GenCon.

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Truckin’ Right Along

It would seem that I am trucking right along here; I am being mostly consistent and working harder every day.  I feel that clarity and calmness I get from consistently working out.  It makes me feel like I can take on the world, and maybe I can.  Today is Tuesday and I am at our clinic today, think of me as a living Google, with far few resources or processing power.  I worked out 4 times last week, and did the crunch and squat challenge on the appropriate days.

I am currently logging all my food on my fitness pal and wearing my Fitbit everywhere.  I am also using a binder to log all my measurements, weight and calories but more importantly it allows me to write how I am feeling.  Yesterday was a bad day, sort of, because I journaled 2 cookies and then forgot to eat them but because I had already logged them I ate them anyway.  I also lowered the amount of calories I can eat because my lifestyle has changed a little bit.  This is my first week with the binder; my week starts on Thursdays so I am midway through.  I like the idea of having to hand write all the food I log so thoughtlessly on my fitness pal.  Logging it there is easy and mindless but having t write it makes me look closely at everything I write.

I suppose I could talk about work now but there is not too much to report.  We are working hard at finding summer camp volunteers and we are still raising money and planning our big walk in April.  My Nerd Herd are hopefully raising offline money because we are stagnant at $139, $100 from my mom and $39 from a team member who donated to her own team.  Come on people, donate.  Other than that there is only the usual growing pains that come when you merge one office with another.  We are at each other’s throats a bit, and there seem to be a weird dichotomy where they get to have special privileges due to how far they drive bit some of us have the same drive and do it without complaints.  I suspect though that has stopped due to the extremely cold day last week and half of us not going in to the office.  Rumor was that our boss got a talking to from her boss about the closing of the office.

Before I sign off on this little blog topic I did want to point out that my feet have stopped hurting most of the time.  I really believe that this is because I stopped wearing flats at all, and instead have been wearing my slightly supportive boots and my insanely amazing sketchers I bought.  It also completely coincides with my regular work outs but I still think it is the shoes not the fitness because I tried to work out before my change in foot wardrobe and I was miserable.  I still have to rub them often but I am not sure if it is need or habit. Either way it makes me happy that I can move again.

Well hasn’t this been a long post!  You know how to find me if you need me!

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Last Week is DONE!!

Last week I was stuck in the “week before an event” crush and I did not make it to the gym at all.  Since I work out on my lunch break, it is the best time for me to go to the gym, I could not make it once.  I worked one day from 8:30 am until 1:30 am on a single project.  The event was Saturday, so I really have not had much down time.  Today I did not go in because it was so cold but even then I was answering emails and such from my couch.  It was nice to kinda relax a bit and I do have some days off coming up, granted that is not for the best reason in the world but it is still time off.   The event itself was a HUGE success though! Everyone who attended was blown away and we are still reeling from all the excitement.  Working for a non profit is hard work, you never go into that thinking “I am gonna make tons of money” but you do want to help people.  I really do feel like we make an impact on the lives of our clients.

In other more fitting news, I am starting 2 of those 30 day challenges , squats and crunches, to go along with my 35-45 minutes of cardio most week days and the longer workouts on the weekends.  I still have every intention of running in the half marathon but I know I have let my fitness drop to sad levels.  I know that I have to work on my own level and in my own time.  One of my co-workers in efforts to revel in her own successes has said a few things that feel jabby to me.  Last week she kept talking about how much she worked out knowing that I gave up my workouts to work on her event.  She also said “Well fitbits are nice for beginners but really the Garmin is what people who are really training need” which I don’t think is valid in more than one way.  Sure the gadgets are nice but you don’t need them to be successful, I am just a data nut.  I really need to let the comparisions to my friends and coworkers when it does not help me.

Speaking of my friends, we will shortly be starting a blog.  I will still blog and tweet as the Shrinking Geek, I know there are 3 of you that might get very sad if I ever just stopped.  What it really means it that you will find 4, maybe 5, very different but very geeky women all working for the same goal.  I will of course have a new moniker on that blog and once it is live and moving I will tell all 3 of you all about it.  With many bloggers on one site there will be a consistency of posts and a variety of points of view that a single personal blog can never offer.

Monday, January 20, 2014

Another Year Has Begun!

Happy 2014 everyone!  I am happy to be back here, all revved up and ready to take on the new year.  I have a membership to a new gym, close-ish to my job so that at the very least I can get a good solid 30 minutes of cardio in a day.  I am slowly conquering my fear of the treadmill, I have been able to do the entire 30 minutes on one with out  panic attack!  Look at me, I can use simple machines!  It still doesn't hit the same spot as the elliptical does but I think that I it will never translate as efficiently to the road as the treadmill.

On that note I guess it is time for a confession, I have agreed to run a half marathon in November.  I think I can finish that if I try and be diligent but really I am still struggling with my treadmill issues.  I have been going to the gym pretty everyday that I can.

I am forming a happy co-dependence on my FitBit, I went out and bought the Force and “sold” my old one to a friend.  I know that buying the Force so soon after the other one is a bit crazy bit I live in a 3 story walk up and I want to know how many flights I do during a day, I also like having a thing on my wrist that actually tells me time...lol. It syncs with MyFitnessPal, which means I do not have to change how I track my food.

On the topic of food, I am not sure if I have talked about it before but Karl and I have gone vegetarian throughout the week.  It is not an ethical thing, we have no real qualms with eating meat.  We cut it out through the week because it costs us less, and forced us to be much more creative with our meal choices.  We have moved away from feeling like every meal has to have meat and replaced them with quiches, quinoa, and veggie stir frys.  We do not shun cheese, milk or eggs.  This is Wisconsin and I am sure they would kill us or run us out of the state if we gave up cheese.

Well that is all I have for now, if you wanna chat you can always email me at theshrinkinggeek@gmail.com, tweet me @shrinking_geek, find me on fitbit by clicking the link http://www.fitbit.com/user/283253 or you can simply comment below.

Until next time!

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Am I back?

I am back my friends, this time I put things in some for of proper order.  I went out of my way to start changing back into my former healthier lifestyle and now I am going to talk about it with you fine folks.  In previous attempts I think I was doing things in the wrong order.  I am working on balance in my life, I may not be at the point where I work out in the first  thing in the morning but I do hit 10,000 steps a day and that is a start.

First thing is first, my sweetie and I have gone on a week day vegetarian only diet.  Not for any ethical reason, I know how they slaughter animals but we came to notice that our food creativity has majorly increased.  We just sort of replaced all the meat in our life with more veggies, or we make the most delicious soups. Once the weekend starts we can eat any meat we want if we so desire.  It is a great way of forcing most fast food places from your life.  Our one exception to the no meat during the week rule is sushi, we figure sushi is not the same as a hamburger.

I have also joined the world of the Fitbit!  I have for the most part hit my foot steps, 10,000 a day.  I have had it for going on 3 weeks now, and I really enjoy it.  It gives me a real  traceable goal.  My nickname is The Shrinking Geek, feel free to seek me out and add me.  I really enjoy the fact that it works with my fitness pal, so I don’t have to re add my recipes.  I like being able to look at my leader board and seeing where I rank.  It actually does drive me to want to move more and do more.  The one thing I have noticed is that I am not crazy, I really am spending most days tired.  During the week I am only getting between 6 and 7 hours of sleep, which means I really am as tired as I think I am most of the time.  Regardless  of the amount of sleep I get though, I feel better!

Thanks for reading if anyone is still there!